hahahaa!
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL:
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left
arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on
either side of
cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while
holding pill in
right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close
mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm
holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push
pill to back of
mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a
count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of
wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,
hold front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse
to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into
mouth. Drop pill
down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get
another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep
shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one
side for
gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat
with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking
straw, force
mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans,
drink glass of
water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse’s
forearm and
remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill.
Place cat in
cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing.
Force mouth
open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with
elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door
back on
hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records
for date of
last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one
from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from
tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while
swerving to avoid
cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine
and bind
tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning
gloves from
shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of
fillet steak.
Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down
throat to wash
pill down.
14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit
quietly while
doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill
remnants from
right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new
table.
15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet
shop to see if
they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:
1) Wrap it in bacon.
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left
arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on
either side of
cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while
holding pill in
right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close
mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm
holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push
pill to back of
mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a
count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of
wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,
hold front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse
to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into
mouth. Drop pill
down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get
another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep
shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one
side for
gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat
with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking
straw, force
mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans,
drink glass of
water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse’s
forearm and
remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill.
Place cat in
cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing.
Force mouth
open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with
elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door
back on
hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records
for date of
last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one
from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from
tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while
swerving to avoid
cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine
and bind
tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning
gloves from
shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of
fillet steak.
Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down
throat to wash
pill down.
14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit
quietly while
doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill
remnants from
right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new
table.
15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet
shop to see if
they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:
1) Wrap it in bacon.
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